Same Sex Marriage

RITE AND REASON: A Kiev art museum contains a curious icon from St Catherine's monastery on Mount Sinai. It shows two robed Christian saints. Between them is a traditional Roman pronubus (best man) overseeing what in a standard Roman icon would be the wedding of a husband and wife. In the icon, Christ is the pronubus. Only one thing is unusual. The "husband and wife" are in fact two men.

Is the icon suggesting that a homosexual "marriage" is one sanctified by Christ? The very idea initially seems shocking. The full answer comes from other sources about the two men featured, St Serge and St Bacchus, two Roman soldiers who became Christian martyrs.

While the pairing of saints, particularly in the early Church, was not unusual, the association of these two men was regarded as particularly close. Severus of Antioch in the sixth century explained that "we should not separate in speech [Serge and Bacchus] who were joined in life". More bluntly, in the definitive 10th century Greek account of their lives, St Serge is openly described as the "sweet companion and lover" of St Bacchus.

In other words, it confirms what the earlier icon implies, that they were a homosexual couple. Unusually their orientation and relationship was openly accepted by early Christian writers. Furthermore, in an image that to some modern Christian eyes might border on blasphemy, the icon has Christ himself as their pronubus, their best man overseeing their "marriage".

The very idea of a Christian homosexual marriage seems incredible. Yet after a 12-year search of Catholic and Orthodox church archives Yale history professor John Boswell has discovered that a type of Christian homosexual "marriage" did exist as late as the 18th century.

Contrary to myth, Christianity's concept of marriage has not been set in stone since the days of Christ, but has evolved both as a concept and as a ritual. Prof Boswell discovered that in addition to heterosexual marriage ceremonies in ancient church liturgical documents (and clearly separate from other types of non-marital blessings such as blessings of adopted children or land) were ceremonies called, among other titles, the "Office of Same Sex Union" (10th and 11th century Greek) or the "Order for Uniting Two Men" (11th and 12th century).

These ceremonies had all the contemporary symbols of a marriage: a community gathered in church, a blessing of the couple before the altar, their right hands joined as at heterosexual marriages, the participation of a priest, the taking of the Eucharist, a wedding banquet afterwards. All of which are shown in contemporary drawings of the same sex union of Byzantine Emperor Basil I (867-886) and his companion John. Such homosexual unions also took place in Ireland in the late 12th/early 13th century, as the chronicler Gerald of Wales (Geraldus Cambrensis) has recorded.

Boswell's book, The Marriage of Likeness: Same Sex Unions in Pre- Modern Europe, lists in detail some same sex union ceremonies found in ancient church liturgical documents. One Greek 13th century "Order for Solemnisation of Same Sex Union" having invoked St Serge and St Bacchus, called on God to "vouchsafe unto these thy servants [N and N] grace to love one another and to abide unhated and not a cause of scandal all the days of their lives, with the help of the Holy Mother of God and all thy saints." The ceremony concludes: "And they shall kiss the Holy Gospel and each other, and it shall be concluded."

Another 14th century Serbian Slavonic "Office of Same Sex Union", uniting two men or two women, had the couple having their right hands laid on the Gospel while having a cross placed in their left hands. Having kissed the Gospel, the couple were then required to kiss each other, after which the priest, having raised up the Eucharist, would give them both communion.

Boswell found records of same-sex unions in such diverse archives as those in the Vatican, in St Petersburg, in Paris, Istanbul, and in Sinai, covering a period from the 8th to the 18th centuries. Nor is he the first to make such a discovery. The Dominican Jacques Goar (1601-1653) includes such ceremonies in a printed collection of Greek prayer books.

While homosexuality was technically illegal from late Roman times, it was only from about the 14th century that anti-homosexual feelings swept western Europe. Yet same sex union ceremonies continued to take place.

At St John Lateran in Rome (traditionally the Pope's parish Church) in 1578 as many as 13 couples were "married" at Mass with the apparent co-operation of the local clergy, "taking Communion together, using the same nuptial Scripture, after which they slept and ate together", according to a contemporary report.

Another woman-to-woman union is recorded in Dalmatia in the 18th century. Many questionable historical claims about the church have been made by some recent writers in this newspaper.

Boswell's academic study however is so well researched and sourced as to pose fundamental questions for both modern church leaders and heterosexual Christians about their attitude towards homosexuality.

FOR the Church to ignore the evidence in its own archives would be a cowardly cop-out. That evidence shows convincingly that what the modern church claims has been its constant unchanging attitude towards homosexuality is in fact nothing of the sort.

It proves that for much of the last two millennia, in parish churches and cathedrals throughout Christendom from Ireland to Istanbul and in the heart of Rome itself, homosexual relationships were accepted as valid expressions of a God-given ability to love and commit to another person, a love that could be celebrated, honoured and blessed both in the name of, and through the Eucharist in the presence of Jesus Christ.

Jim Duffy is a writer and historian. The Marriage of Likeness: Same Sex Unions in Pre-Modern Europe by John Boswell is published by Harper Collins.

Rape and Date Rape

What Is Rape?

Rape occurs when sex is non-consensual (not agreed upon), or a person forces another person to have sex against his or her will. It also can occur when the victim is intoxicated from alcohol or drugs (such as Ecstasy). Rape includes intercourse in the vagina, anus, or mouth. It is a felony offense, which means it is among the most serious crimes a person can commit. Men as well as women and children can be raped.

Many times, the person who commits rape uses violence to force the person to have sex. An attacker also can use fear alone to commit rape. Rape causes both physical and emotional harm to the victim.

What Is "Date" Rape?

"Date" rape also is when one person forces another person to have sex. It, too, is a felony offense. The difference between rape and date rape is that the victim agreed to spend time with the attacker. Perhaps he or she even went out with his or her attacker more than once.

What Should I Do if I Have Been Raped?

Don't wash or douche. You do not want to wash away any evidence that could be used against your attacker in court.
Call the police and tell them what happened. If you are afraid to call the police, call your local rape crisis center.
Go to an emergency room. While there, you will be examined. A doctor will make a record of your injuries and treat you. Samples of any fluid left in the vagina or anus (especially semen) will be gathered. Hair, pieces of clothing or other objects left by the attacker also may be taken. These samples may be used to help identify and convict your attacker.
What if I'm Not Sure Whether I Was Raped?

Some victims feel like rape is their fault. Although rape is never the victim's fault, feelings of guilt can prevent the victim from getting help. Remember, rape can really hurt a person's emotions. Even if you get over the crisis of the attack, you may develop painful feelings later. It's important to get help for yourself as soon as possible to avoid serious emotional complications, even if you do not want to press charges against your attacker.

If you aren't sure if what happened to you was rape, a rape crisis counselor or doctor can help you sort it out.

How Does Rape Harm the Victim?

Rape harms the victim both physically and emotionally.

Types of physical harm include:

Broken bones, bruises, cuts, and other injuries from violent acts
Injuries to the genitals and/or anus
Being exposed to diseases that can be passed on during sex, including HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea, and syphilis
Unwanted pregnancy
Types of emotional harm include:

Shame
Embarrassment
Guilt
Feelings of worthlessness
You also may have problems with:

Fear
Depression
Anger
Trust
Attraction to men (if the attacker was a man)
Consensual sex later in life (inability to enjoy sex without intrusive recollections of the abuse)
Flashbacks (reliving the rape in your mind)
Nightmares
Falling and staying asleep
Will I Ever Feel Well Again?

Rape can leave physical and emotional scars that last a long time. Some victims find that emotional scars never go away. Long-term counseling can help you to deal with guilt, fear, depression, anxiety, and other emotions. Many victims also get help by joining support groups.

How Can I Protect Myself From Rape?

Unfortunately, there's no sure way to protect yourself from rape. Even people who take steps to protect themselves can get raped. But, following common safeguards, like these, is still a good idea:

Be responsible for your actions. For instance, don't go to a party alone, get drunk and ask a stranger to take you home. Stay in control.
Don't walk alone at night. It takes just one trip alone to your car to be attacked. Walk with a friend.
Don't get talked into something you don't want to do. Make your own choices and stick with them.
Learn ways to defend yourself in the case of an attack.
Trust your feelings. If a person seems threatening to you, don't continue the friendship.
Learn about rape and why people rape. This knowledge will make you more alert to possible attackers.

The crack sex connection

The little talked about phenomenon that inhibits the recovery process for many individuals addicted to crack cocaine
by Richard Lopez, L.M.S.W.

As a licensed master social worker working with chemically addicted homeless men and women, I have had the opportunity to see first hand how members of this population battle with the recovery process. The individuals with whom I work in Dallas, Texas, are mostly African-American men between the ages of 35 and 68, with a mean age of about 40.

Within this population, I have regularly observed a phenomenon that I've come to call the Crack/Sex Connection. This phenomenon occurs when an individual who is addicted to crack and who had undergone drug treatment (often multiple times) relapses due to a compulsion of ritualized seeking behavior involving crack and sex.

Many chemical addiction treatment programs do an outstanding job of educating and providing recovering persons with the essential tools needed to stay clean and sober. Most programs that treat crack addicts, however, fall short by failing to thoroughly discuss sex as a critical relapse trigger. I say thoroughly because, while many treatment programs currently address sex as a relapse trigger, they nevertheless fail to help addicts understand how they have created a ritual of crack/sex seeking behavior-behavior that often leads to active crack use, leaving the addict in deep despair. Seldom do treatment centers help with sex addiction, either, and those that do treat it often overlook the importance of this ritual.

I am convinced that men who undergo treatment for crack cocaine addiction and sex addiction will require treatment less often. They will work a better quality recovery program, leading to a higher quality of life.

The ritual

During my work with crack addicted homeless men, I have seen this ritual which links sex and crack regularly repeat itself. Dr. Patrick Carnes describes preoccupation and ritual as the first two steps in the addictive cycle (with compulsive sexual behavior and despair being the remaining two) in his groundbreaking book, Out of the Shadows. I quote here from his book:

"For sexual addicts, an addictive experience progresses through a four-step cycle which intensifies with each repetition.
1. Preoccupation-the trance or mood wherein addicts' minds are completely engrossed with thoughts of sex. This mental state creates an obsessive search for sexual stimulation.
2. Ritualization-the addicts' own special routines which lead up to the sexual behavior. The ritual intensifies the preoccupation, adding arousal and excitement.

Sexual addicts are hostages of their own preoccupation. Every passerby, every relationship, and every introduction to someone passes through the sexually obsessive filter. More than merely noticing sexually attractive people, there is a quality of desperation which interferes with work, relaxation, and even sleep. People become objects to be scrutinized. A crowded downtown area is translated into a veritable shopping list of possibilities. Preoccupation leads to a powerful trance-like state.

The trance is enhanced by the sexual addict's ritualization. Professionals have often wondered why sex offenders use the same 'MO' or 'method' each time when it only makes apprehension easier. The answer is simple. A ritual helps the trance. Like a yogi in meditation, the addict does not have to stop and think or disrupt his focus. The ritual itself, like preoccupation, can start the rush of excitement. . . . The rituals contain a set of well-rehearsed cues which trigger arousal." (pp. 6-11)

If not addressed in treatment, these rituals continue to serve as a revolving door to chemical addiction programs. For federal, state, and city agencies that assist this population, the financial cost can be extraordinary. For communities, it can be critical in terms of crime, prostitution, homelessness, lost productivity, joblessness, non-payment of child support-and the list goes on. Crack and sex?

The addictive power of crack cocaine and the drive to obtain it will make some individuals do almost anything. To understand how the crack/sex ritual is formed, it's important to understand how these men are introduced to crack cocaine. Based on informal questions during weekly chemical addiction treatment groups I have facilitated during the past three years and through my work with these men in individual therapy, this ritual grew through contact with women in approximately 50 percent of this population. This estimate is based on answers to this question: "When you took your first hit, were you with someone?"

Approximately 90 percent also answered "yes" to the question, "How many of you have ever used crack to buy sex?" And of particular interest has been their response to the question: "How many of you have relapsed back to crack use because you used crack to buy sex despite not intending to use it yourself?" More than 90 percent of these middle-aged men answered affirmatively. It seems clear that a desire for sex, not crack use, is driving the actions of these men.

Many women will turn to prostitution to meet the needs of their habit. They are known on the streets as "chicken heads," "strawberries," or "rock stars." Regardless of how an individual was led into crack cocaine use, life on the streets holds one certainty: sex will be available on demand, and it will be cheap. Even for those men who were not introduced to crack via a woman, it does not take long to discover the easy access to sex on the streets. Thus begins the pursuit that leads to the ritualized crack/sex-seeking behavior.

While some men claim that they are able to ejaculate during crack use, others say they cannot. In the latter case, these men instead hold on to the memory of the sexual encounter and masturbate with it later on. One client, an affluent 41 year-old African-American male who was married with two children, a computer analyst and a homeowner with two cars and a boat, describes the ritual:

I first met her at a party. After some flirting, she asked me to her apartment. She lit a crack stem and offered me a hit. Although I had never tried crack, I had smoked marijuana a few times in the service. My mind, however, was on what was coming next, and so I took the hit without even a second thought. We had sex, but I was not able to come. Still, it was great. I masturbated all week on the images from that night. I started seeing her regularly, spending money as if I had an endless supply. When my wife started to wonder about my spending, I decided to stop. When I arrived at her apartment with no crack and no money, she kicked me out.

By this time, I had already learned how to buy crack, so I began seeing chicken heads, and smoking in crack houses. Over a period of about two years, I lost my job; my wife left me and took the children; my cars and boat were repossessed; and eventually I lost my house. My credit cards were used to the limit. I had nothing left. I had to live in a shelter in downtown Dallas. I entered into two treatment programs, and each time I thought I could recover from my crack problem, but each time, I failed. I tried to work a few jobs, but when I got the paycheck, my palms would sweat, my breathing would increase, and my mind would go crazy thinking about where I would find some crack, what she [a prostitute] would look like this time, and what could I get her to do.

This situation raises the question posed by an old question: Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Some psychologists argue that the urge to use crack leads addicts back to old behaviors that include both drugs and sex. I believe, however, that relapse has much more to do with sex than crack. I repeatedly hear clients make such statements as: "Thank you for saving my life. I had given up all hope of recovering from this. [Moreover,] I never thought about the sex part of it, although each time I relapsed, it was while I was looking for sex. I would rationalize what I was about to do, saying to myself, 'I am not going to use; I'm just buying rocks to have sex.' It worked maybe once or twice, but then I'm right back in the game."

I believe that many men, particularly low-income men, are caught in a web of ritualized behaviors involving crack and sex. For them to have any chance of becoming drug-free and rebuilding their lives, treatment must address the crack/sex-seeking ritual. Unfortunately, most treatment programs do not. For the betterment of many low-income communities throughout the country, this crisis desperately needs further research.

Richard Lopez, L.M.S.W., has a bachelors degree and a masters degree in Social Work and an associate degree in Criminal Justice. He works with the Veterans Administration Medical Center in Dallas, Texas, in their Comprehensive Homeless Center, and with the Children First Counseling Center in Grand Prairie, Texas.

Female PC (PubboCoccygeus) Muscle

How can strengthening the female PC Muscle be important?

For women who have difficulty achieving orgasm, there may be a solution; a series of simple exercises. For men, these exercises seem to make erections easier and increase control of orgasm.

The lack of orgasm in women during intercourse is very common, from 33% to 80% of all women. Doctors have confirmed that the ability to have orgasm correlates with the contraction strength of the pubbococcygeus, or PC muscle. Women who don't experience orgasms, tend to have weak PC muscles.

Although the PC muscle is interwoven with and surrounded by four other sets of pelvic muscles, it is the master muscle of the pelvis muscles. When healthy and fit, it holds a taut straight line. When its weak, the PC and the pelvic organs it supports tend to sag, which can lead to urinary incontinence and other sexual problems.

How can my partner strengthen her PC muscle?

PC exercises are simple! They're deceptive, both because these minor movements can have such major health benefits and because it's easy to work the wrong muscle. The PC muscle is like any other muscle, with too strenuous exercises it can become sore.

The PC muscle should be about 3/4 inches wide when fully developed. It's located about 2 inches within the vagina and runs circularly. This muscle contains most of the nerve endings found in the vagina and is the source of the sexual vagina feeling.

First you need to find the muscle. Sit on the toilet, spread your legs as far as possible, and start and stop the flow of urine. For both women and men, the PC muscle is the only one that can accomplish this. Start and stop the flow three times to set the PC action in your mind. Then empty the bladder completely. To make sure of working the right muscle while exercising, women can insert a finger into the vagina and feel the contractions.

Men and women can stick a finger in your rectum and try contracting your PC muscle. You will know that you're doing so because your finger will feel your anus contracting (pressure). Always try to keep your other muscles (thigh, back and abdominal) relaxed.

Exercise 1 (Squeeze): Squeeze and hold the PC muscle for about three seconds .. relax .. and repeat the process. This exercise may be repeated as often during the day as desired. Short sets of 25 are recommended. If you become sore, it's important to stop exercising your PC muscle for a few days.


Exercise 2 (Tighten): Contract and release the PC muscle about ten contractions at a time, depending on the condition of the muscle. The contractions during orgasms are more rapid.

Exercise 3 (Holds): Maximally contract the PC and hold for 10 seconds. At the very end of the contraction, squeeze once rapidly, harder and deeper, then release for 10 seconds.

All the exercises can be continued indefinitely. Increased muscle tone results in greater sensation during intercourse for both partners. Some men report that performing several voluntary contractions as they feel themselves getting closer to ejaculation enables them to last longer. Both men and women benefit greatly from a strong PC muscle.

New Sex Technique

Once you begin to master your exercises and are able to see a significant difference, the next time you're making love with your woman, stay inside her without moving. Instead of going in and out like you normally would, simply squeeze and release your PC muscle.

If she has been doing her exercises as well, you can both perform this on each other and while you get the sensation that her vagina is giving you a "hug," she'll feel like you're tapping her G-spot, and trust me, chances are that the both of you will enjoy the sensation immensely.

And there you have it; some easy ways to keep her satisfied and get a little satisfaction of your own at the same time. Enjoy.

Sex Addiction Q & A

“Like an alcoholic unable to stop drinking, sexual addicts are unable to stop their self-destructive sexual behavior. Family breakups, financial disaster, loss of jobs, and risk to life are the painful themes of their stories.

Sex addicts come from all walks of life - they may be ministers, physicians, homemakers, factory workers, salespersons, secretaries, clerks, accountants, therapists, dentists, politicians, or executives, to name just a few examples. Most were abused as children -- sexually, physically, and/or emotionally. The majority grew up in families in which addiction already flourished, including alcoholism, compulsive eating, and compulsive gambling. Most grapple with other addictions as well, but they find sex addiction the most difficult to stop.

Much hope nevertheless exists for these addicts and their families. Sex addicts have shown an ability to transform a life of self-destruction into a life of self-care, a life in chaos and despair into one of confidence and peace."

Sexual Dependency: What it is.

Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment.

Sexual addiction has been called sexual dependency and sexual compulsivity. By any name, it is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict's life. Sexual addicts make sex a priority more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the organizing principle of addicts' lives. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior.

No single behavior pattern defines sexual addiction. These behaviors, when they have taken control of addicts' lives and become unmanageable, include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, child molesting, incest, rape, and violence. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors.

Recognition of sexual addiction by the professional health care community

Sexual addiction was first brought to the forefront in Dr. Patrick Carnes' 1983 book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (CompCare Publishers). Since then, thousands of people have come forward seeking help, and more and more professionals are being trained to identify and treat sexual addiction.

The National Council on Sexual Addiction (NCSA) was created in 1987 to serve as an independent clearing house for information on sexual addiction and treatment options. One of NCSA's missions is to decrease the stigma surrounding sexual addiction problems and treatment. They may be contacted at:

NATIONAL COUNCIL ON SEXUAL ADDICTION/COMPULSIVITY
1090 Northchase Parkway, Suite 100 South
Marietta, Georgia 30067 1-770-989-9754

Sexual dependency and other addictions

Sexual addiction can be understood by comparing it to other types of addictions. Individuals addicted to alcohol or other drugs, for example, develop a relationship with their "chemical(s) of choice" -- a relationship that takes precedence over any and all other aspects of their lives. Addicts find they need drugs merely to feel normal

In sexual addiction, a parallel situation exists. Sex -- like food or drugs in other addictions -- provides the "high" and addicts become dependent on this sexual high to feel normal. They substitute unhealthy relationships for healthy ones. They opt for temporary pleasure rather than the deeper qualities of "normal" intimate relationships.

Sexual addiction follows the same progressive nature of other addictions. Sexual addicts struggle to control their behaviors, and experience despair over their constant failure to do so. Their loss of self-esteem grows, fueling the need to escape even further into their addictive behaviors. A sense of powerlessness pervades the lives of addicts.

How many people are affected by sexual addiction?

Estimates range from three to six percent of the population.

Multiple addictions

National surveys revealed that most sexual addicts come from severely dysfunctional families. Usually at least one other member of these families has another addiction (87%).

Dual addictions include sexual addiction and:

Chemical dependency 42%
Eating disorder 38%
Compulsive working 28%
Compulsive spending 26%
Compulsive gambling 5%
Sexual addiction and abuse

Research has shown that a very high correlation exists between childhood abuse and sexual addiction in adulthood.

Sexual addicts who have reported experiencing:

Emotional abuse 97%
Sexual abuse 83%
Physical abuse 71%
Sexual addicts: male and female

It remains unclear whether one gender has a higher incidence of sexual addiction than the other. Research by Dr. Carnes shows that approximately 20% of all patients seeking help for sexual dependency are women. (This same male-female ratio is found among those recovering from alcohol addiction.)

As once was the case with alcohol addiction, many people cannot accept the reality that women can become sexual addicts. One of the greatest problems facing female sexual addicts is convincing others that they have a legitimate problem.

Why sexual addicts don't "just stop" their destructive behavior

Sexual addicts feel tremendous guilt and shame about their out-of-control behavior, and they live in constant fear of discovery. Yet addicts will often act out sexually in an attempt to block out the very pain of their addiction. This is part of what drives the addictive cycle. We say that they are addicts because they are out of control and unable to stop their behaviors despite their self-destructive nature and potentially devastating consequences. Years of treating chemically dependent individuals have shown that successful intervention with an addict's extensive denial and repression system often requires professional help.

AIDS and the sexual addict

As a function of their denial system, sexual addicts often ignore the severe emotional, interpersonal, and physical consequences of their behavior. Addicts are so entrenched in maintaining their behaviors that environmental cues which would signal caution and danger to most non-addicted people are lost to them. Such has been the case with the HIV virus and other dangerous, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Sexual addicts are focused on getting a sexual 'lix." They may occasionally consider the possible consequences of their activities, but in the throes of the addictive cycle, rational thinking is seldom, if ever, present. Often dismissing the potential danger of their behavior, addicts will embrace an anxiety-laden situation to enhance their sexual high. Avoiding reality and disregarding personal safety and health are typical symptoms of sexual addiction, and they put sexual addicts at grave risk for contracting one of the many disabling STDS, including HIV.

Fear of being infected with the HIV virus and developing AIDS is not enough to stop an addict intent on being anonymously sexual, picking up prostitutes, or having multiple affairs with unsafe sex partners. Even the potential of infecting a loved one with an STD is often not enough to stop addicts from acting out. In fact, sexual addicts may find ways to act out even more intensely after such sexual practices in order to help drown out the shame and guilt of an overloaded and repressed emotional life.

Despite the frequency and range of their acting-out experiences, sexual addicts are often poorly informed about sexuality in general- An important part of their recovery process is learning about healthy sexual practices: behaviors which are connecting and affirming rather than shaming and guilt inducing. In addition, sexual addicts often need to be taught about safe sexual practices, basic self-care, and health concerns.

Diagnosing sexual addiction

Often sexual addicts don't know what is wrong with them. They may suffer from clinical depression or have suicidal tendencies. They may even think they are losing their minds.

There are, however, recognizable behavior patterns which indicate the presence of sexual addiction. Diagnosis should be done by a mental health professional trained in carrying out such diagnoses.

To help professionals determine whether a sexual addiction is present, Dr. Carnes has developed the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST), an assessment tool specially designed for this purpose.

Behavior patterns which may indicate sexual addiction

While an actual diagnosis for sexual addiction should be carried out by a mental health professional, the following behavior patterns can indicate the presence of sexual addiction. Individuals who see any of these patterns in their own life, or in the life of someone they care about, should seek professional help.

1. Acting out., a pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior Examples may include:

Compulsive masturbation
Indulging in pornography
Having chronic affairs
Exhibitionism
Dangerous sexual practices
Prostitution
Anonymous sex
Compulsive sexual episodes
Voyeurism
2. Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual behavior, and an inability to stop despite these adverse consequences

Some of the losses reported by sexual addicts include:

Loss of partner or spouse 40%
Severe marital or relationship problems 70%
Loss of career opportunities 27%
Unwanted pregnancies 40%
Abortions 36%
Suicidal obsession 72%
Suicide attempts 17%
Exposure to AIDS and venereal disease 68%
Legal risks from nuisance offenses to rape 58%
3. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior

Even understanding that the consequences of their actions will be painful or have dire consequences does not stop addicts from acting out. They often seem to have a willfulness about their actions, and an attitude that says, "I'll deal with the consequences when they come."

4. Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior

Addicts often try to control their behavior by creating external barriers to it. For example, some move to new neighborhood or city, hoping that a new environment removed from old affairs will help. Some think marriage will keep them from acting out. An exposer may buy a car in which it's diff icult to act out while driving.

Others seeking control over their behavior try to immerse themselves in religion, only to find out that while religious compulsion may soothe their shame, it does not end their acting out.

Many go through periods of sexual anorexia during which they allow themselves -no sexual expression at all. Such efforts, however, only fuel the addiction.

5. Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy

Though acting out sexually can temporarily relieve addicts' anxieties, they still find themselves spending inordinate amounts of time in obsession and fantasy. By fantasizing, the addict can maintain an almost constant level of arousal. Together with obsessing, the two behaviors can create a kind of analgesic "fix." Just as our bodies generate endorphins, natural antidepressants, during vigorous exercise, our bodies naturally release peptides when sexually aroused. The molecular construction of these peptides parallels that of opiates like heroin or morphine, but are many times more powerful.

6. Regularly increasing the amount of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficiently satisfying

Sexual addiction is often progressive. While addicts may be able to control themselves for a time, inevitably their addictive behaviors will return and quickly escalate to previous levels and beyond. Some addicts begin adding additional acting out behaviors. Usually addicts will have three or more behaviors which play a key role in their addiction -- masturbation, affairs, and anonymous sex, for instance.

In addition, 89% of addicts reported regularly "bingeing" to the point of emotional exhaustion. The emotional pain of withdrawal for sexual addicts can parallel the physical pain experienced by those withdrawing from opiate addiction.

7. Severe mood changes related to sexual activity

Addicts experience intense mood shifts, often due to the despair and shame of having unwanted sex. Sexual addicts are caught in a crushing cycle of shame driven and shame-creating behavior. While shame drives the sexual addicts' actions, it also becomes the unwanted consequence of a few moments of euphoric escape into sex.

8. Inordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, and recovering from sexual experiences

Two sets of activities organize sexual addicts' days. One involves obsessing about sex, time devoted to initiating sex, and actually being sexual. The second involves time spent dealing with the consequences of their acting out: lying, covering up, shortages of money, problems with their spouse, trouble at work, neglected children, and so on.

9. Neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior

As more and more of addicts' energy becomes focused on relationships which have sexual potential, other relationships and activities -- family, friends, work, talents and values -- suffer and atrophy from neglect. Long-term relationships are stormy and often unsuccessful. Because of sexual over-extension and intimacy avoidance, short-term relationships become the norm.

Sometimes, however, the desire to preserve an important long-term relationship with spouse or children, for instance, can act as the catalyst for addicts to admit their problem and seek help.

Getting help: the first step

The first step in seeking help is to admit to the problem. Though marital, professional, and societal consequences may follow, admission of the problems must come, no matter the cost. Fear of these consequences unfortunately keeps many sexual addicts from seeking help.

Many sources of help are available to provide information, support, and assistance for sexual addicts trying to regain control of their lives. These include inpatient and outpatient treatment, professional associations, self-help groups, and aftercare support groups.

Treating sexual addiction

Treatment programs for sexual addiction include patient, outpatient, and aftercare support, and self-help groups. Treatment programs also offer family counseling programs, support groups, and educational workshops for addicts and their families to help them understand the facets of belief and family life that are part of the addiction-

Unlike recovering alcoholics who must abstain from drinking for life, sexual addicts are led back into a normal, healthy sex life much in the way those suffering from eating disorders must relearn healthy eating patterns.

Dr. Carnes' program is based on the spiritual principals of the Twelve Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it incorporates the expertise of the most knowledgeable health care professionals in the field of sexual addiction.

Recovery from sexual addiction is a lifelong journey. Dr. Carnes' program is designed to set addicts on the road to recovery, to provide relapse prevention techniques, and to help them stay in recovery with the help of aftercare and Twelve Step recovery support groups.

Are sexual addicts ever cured?

Like other types of addicts, some sexual addicts may never be "cured." Sexual addicts achieve a state of recovery, but maintaining that recovery can be a lifelong, day-by-day process. The Twelve Step treatment approach teaches addicts to take their recovery "one day at a time" - concentrating on the present, not the future.

Sexual codependency -- the co-addict

Partners of sexual addicts, like partners of alcoholics, can also benefit from counseling and support groups. Normally these partners are codependents, and they, too, suffer from the extreme adverse effects of the addiction. Inpatient and outpatient programs, counseling, and support groups are all available to help them regain control of their lives and support the recovery of their partner.