Celibacy Phil

I am a club DJ in my late twenties, formerly a resident at the world famous Haçienda. My sex life I would assume is similar to many of my generation. Started late teens, continued blah blah blah. Kinda reaches a point where sex almost becomes the initial part of any relationship. Just did it. There ya go, no thought involved - just consequences. It is these consequences that made me stop and think.

I have always been interested in celibacy, but more for the reason that I consider it a challenge. I love a challenge and it seems the ultimate challenge to become celibate after years of hormone driven youth and within a society and generation that actively promotes promiscuity, or at least looks down upon the virgin (I don't think many people consider celibacy to be a reality outside of virginity).

It is much harder than I imagined. As much as a woman may give you respect for not jumping into bed at the first given opportunity, she still thinks you are weird and after a while, usually a very short time indeed, seeks sexual satisfaction elsewhere. The upside of this however, is the number of excellent female friends I have due to this. If we had had sex, our relationship would be difficult, a certain tension never quite resolved, but we didn't and we are now left with a very intimate friendship. There is often a sexual tension remaining, but this becomes a positive energy and is not abused. It is said that the thrill of the chase is greater than the capture, and I may well agree, but the relationship with the fox afterward is much better if you don't catch and kill it.

Celibacy Yamandu

I'm 35, male, Uruguayan and circumstantially Bolivian, celibate the last 35 years or so and still going strong. As for why I am celibate, it has to do with being tired of sex mixing up relationships (besides the obvious AIDS, pregnacy, etc.). I can't invite a woman to my home evenings, just as a good friend, because she is afraid I might not behave. And when she does come, she expects me not to behave. So unless I have several people over, if someone visits me alone it's got to be a man, and having so often single men visiting has my neighbors concerned...

Things go so much more easily when you do not feel pushed to act sexually, in the office, camp, whatever. Also, I can't afford it. Emotionally. See, I am a very loyal person, and the kind of twosome sex I want requires getting much more involved beyond hydraulics. I do not expect to be celibate forever, though as someone pointed out, with age you re-see things. But then I'd like someday to have a fine, old-fashioned, monogamous, cuddly family, and on my side, that should pose no problems. Sex would just mean having to get involved more than I care with people I don't care that much about - don't want to take sex casually.

I am for very close (in the sense of togetherness) friendships and love, I am convinced that we need much closer bonds among people than family lines, and no need for sex to be there - and thus we can have more of them, at the same time. When through love we can go beyond fears of lonesomeness when old or infirm, we might go beyond some of the need for families based on sexual servilism.

Nowadays I am exploring non-sexually-threatening closeness. It is so hard to get the concept through, but oh so rewarding, that we can be close, even get to the real meaning of intimate, without having sex. I can tell that it's still hard for me to really, lovingly, hug someone, and not feel guilty of trying to be a predator. Or of same-sex hugging being OK.

Celibacy Matt

Some, it is said, choose celibacy; others have celibacy thrust upon them. Or something like that. I would fall into the second category, although I like to think that there's a degree of choice in it anyway. I am an Interesting Medical Specimen who provided my endocrinologist with hours of gleeful amusement and publishable anecdotes when I turned up with only half the normal allotment of pituitary gland. (For those of you who don't follow endocrinal issues, that little guy is located in your brain right between your eyes, and pretty much controls chemical balances and has a lot to do with sex drive.) So after a long marriage that produced two splendid children, my allotment of libido was, in effect, cashed in as I near my 40th birthday.

I give myself a variety of life-sustaining hormones by weekly self-injection and, other than an "incurable" disinterest in sexual intercourse, am just fit as a fiddle. Unfortunately, my new orientation didn't match up well with that of my beloved spouse, she of the Complete and Entire pituitary, and she sped off post haste to explore more active alternatives. Interestingly, however, the interpersonal relationship between us has been distinctly more blissful since we found out what's going on. I think this bodes well for intimate, substantive relationships with all sorts of folks who I don't want to jump on (and their numbers, these days, are legion).

I guess I find myself in what some who are struggling with celibacy may well find to be an enviable position (I still have some trouble with that idea, having been to the other side and back again). But to me, celibacy offers the potential for building rewarding and vibrant relationships with people free of the expectations and pressures wrapped up with intercourse-based intercourse; in which people are free to be comfortable; to play with each other; to be thinking individuals who don't have to think about how they're going to get the other one naked (or consciously guard or structure their conversations and relationships to facilitate or avoid that event); to experiment, in other words, with how people get along.

I think I AM making a choice: to not try to change what is essentially unchangeable, to accept my situation with good humor, and to help make celibacy a respected and accepted alternative lifestyle. I think we should be careful of defining celibacy in terms of what we don't do, and define it more positively, in terms of what it frees us to do.

Celibacy Jude

I am mid-forties, female, and became celibate less than two years ago. I just decided my privacy was more important to me than the pressure to conform and perform. I have always felt overcrowded in relationships anyway and sought some element of solitude. Now, having satisfied my curiosity about sex I've come to the end of that road. I get all the social contact I need, and plenty of it, in my work. I have also travelled a lot and explored the major religions and cultures. I have been most strongly inspired by the Muslims I know, who have a far more sophisticated appreciation of arts and human values than most Westerners. May I stress inspired by -my sexual status has nothing to do with religious reasons and I'm not interested in corresponding with those who brandish celibacy as a religious sword. On the contrary, I wear my celibacy as a statement; a reaction against (what I see as) bullshit. And almost no-one I know can grasp it.

Celibacy Stephen

I have been celibate for the past 5 years, two years of which I spent living in a Buddhist monastery. As a monk I hardly even looked at the opposite sex, nor did I engage in masturbation.

I can see many advantages to celibacy - much less to worry about in terms of problematic relationships (let's face it, there's an element of manipulation involved in every sexual relationship), diseases, expense, unwanted pregnancy, trying to be cool, etc. It also has opened up new dimensions for me in my communications with women (except for the period spent as a monk).

There is a distinct energy that comes about when one has made the conscious choice to practice celibacy and is serious about it: a clarity. This clarity is quickly shot to hell as soon as the intent to act on sexual interest kicks up, no matter how one tries to mask it. To really be celibate, you have to want to be celibate: even if the desire is still burning, there is another part of you that comes through and touches people. This can actually be a form of gift. Of course, this can also be quite dangerous as it often makes you that much more attractive to the opposite sex.

I originally (deliberately) chose celibacy after having spent one year living with a woman and coming to realize where an unrealistic sex drive could take me; that is, I realized that both the unchecked desire for companionship and for sexual gratification could exact a very high price in terms of emotional well-being, etc. I still like to believe that a relationship with a more compatible mate might not have left me feeling this way, but at the same time I am much more realistic about sex and intimate relations and choose not to see them as the end-all-be-all for my existence on this planet!

The time spent as a monk was very helpful as I learned how to exercise a degree of control over my sex drive and not be "driven" by it. This seemed to free up a lot of mental space, but even so, there were times when the longing for human contact was great indeed. Sexuality is not something that can be suppressed, but IS something that can be transformed/transmuted.

I am still at odds with my sexual choices. I wonder if I were to meet someone with whom I felt absolutely compatible as friends and the sexual interest kicked in, if I would choose to act on it. I guess I can no longer consider myself a die-hard celibate as I am now entertaining the idea of relationship. It remains a 'what-if' type scenario, though. Perhaps there is a time for both lifestyle choices.

At this point I'm looking for balance. I am familiar with the spiritual traditions that hold that spiritual energy is gained via harnessing sexual energy, the depletion of which via ejaculation is not only viewed as being spiritually counterproductive, but even considered to be dangerous to one's health if done more than infrequently. I am also aware that suppressing sexual desires is not necessarily the healthiest path to take. I wonder about intimacy needs, etc. Trying to locate the crossroads of these concerns is no easy task, and I would like to ask anyone with similar experience/concerns to please post 'em to this page - sharing is so helpful to all of us celibates in this lopsided world.

Celibacy Erica

I am a 28-year old single parent (my son is 7-years old). So it is fairly obvious to others that I am not a virgin. In the urban environment in which I live (Los Angeles, California USA) some men take this as a sign that I sleep around. Admittedly, for a while I did. From the time I lost my virginity until the time I got pregnant with my son (roughly five years) I slept around quite a bit. However, with the birth of my son, I resolved to do better. I didn't want him to see me with one man after another. With his father gone off to pursue other women, I was at the time hoping to find another relationship. Didn't happen. What I kept running into, were men who were into the "hit and run" game. Of course, I didn't realize that I wasn't helping things any by demanding the respect to which I was entitled.

This all came to a screeching halt when I got pregnant, again, in early 1996. For the second time in my life I was pregnant by someone I hardly knew, and I wasn't making enough money to support the child I had. What became of the pregnancy is not important. What is important, is at that moment, I decided that celibacy until I found a good solid relationship based on mutual trust, love and affection was going to be the best bet for me. Don't get me wrong, though. It's not as if I haven't wanted to jump off the celibate bandwagon, but fortunately for me the guys were not interested so I was protected from myself.

Celibacy is a good choice for people that have been in any number of bad relationships. During this time I have been able to analyze my motivations and make a blueprint for what I really want instead of what all the magazines tell me I should. Also, I have become more spiritually centered, now that I don't have any of those "other" distractions. The sexual attractions are still there, and I still flirt, but I no longer feel compelled to act on those urges. Celibacy has taught me more about my self, and self control than I ever imagined

Celibacy Rachel

I'm fairly young (22) and to be honest I'm not sure if I want to be celibate for the rest of my life. I know that at the moment this is the right thing for me but I really don't know how I'm going to feel ten years down the line. Celibacy isn't really a moral or religious issue for me - although I do have certain concerns in this area, for example the way people (esp. women) are treated as sexual objects - but it's mainly just a personal choice for me.

Even if celibacy is a temporary stage in my life and even if I do decide to give it up in a few years' time, it won't have been time that I was just filling in until I met someone. People tend to think celibacy equals not doing something so therefore it must be a negative thing but for me it's a positive thing. It means being able to free myself, not so much from sex itself but from everything that goes with it - the diets, the make-up, the latest skimpy outfits, the horrible 'meat market' nightclubs, all in pursuit of something I wasn't that interested in in the first place. It gives me solitude and space to think. It also allows me to develop my individuality and to become the kind of person I want to be, which I would find more difficult if I was also trying to fulfill the current perception of the ideal, sexually desirable woman.