WILL YOU SUCK MY COCK? AND OTHER FAUX PAS

by The Working Girl

Hey there - happy 1999! And, hello, gentlemen…its another column for you, our would-be client!

According to FBI statistics, street prostitution accounts for only fifteen percent of all prostitution in the US. Our tax dollars at work, proving what I already knew: most initial connections between prostitutes and their clientele are not made face to face. The phone is frequently the first level of contact between you and us. So let's talk about phone negotiation - here are some things not to say to ladies when you call up to inquire about their services.

Caller: Can I meet you first?

Its really tempting to respond "Gee, if you can have sex with me without meeting me first, you must have the longest penis in the world!" Translated, what this means to us is: "In case you are ugly, I want to see you somewhere I feel less pressured to go through with things anyway. Plus I wanna ask you really detailed questions so I can make sure that you will do absolutely everything that I want. And even then I still might bolt." We know this, and one thing we have in common with women you have sex with in a nonprofessional context is this: we both want you to commit. Of course, we just want you to commit to one hour…So screw your courage to the sticking place, boys.

Caller: Are you gonna have sex with me? (give me a blowjob, et cetera.)

Gentlemen, this has to go in record book for the worst thing to say on the phone. If I do one thing in my life, I want to let ya'll know NOT TO SAY THIS! By saying this you make us think you are a cop, trying to set us up. We get very uncomfortable and then we don't like you. Think about it: by asking this you are calling a complete stranger and asking her to commit a crime. If you were an accountant, and a stranger called you and asked you to falsify books, you would say no. If you were a pawn shop owner and stranger called up and asked if you would buy stolen merchandise, you'd say no. If you were a cop, and stranger called up and asked if you'd take a bribe, you'd say no. But we know these things do happen, don't we? Certain things in life require a little savvy, a little finesse. Only a dummy is gonna say to a complete stranger "Sure, c'mon over, we'll do the wild thing." (Sidebar: I am sure that a few people do actually say this. I just think they are very, very stupid.) I know it's a pain that people have to tap dance around things - but its currently a fact of life. If you insist on a sure thing - fly to Nevada. But first write your congressperson and tell them to decriminalize adult private consensual sex.

Caller: Are you clean?

Well, now, the smart-ass answers to this are too numerous to list. Its really insulting, which to me justifies being very sarcastic. Plus, it's a stupid question! Come on, guys, if she isn't, she sure as hell isn't going to tell you that, now is she? Use a condom and common sense and be careful. A friend of mine is longing to answer "Well, I do have leprosy, so there are those oozing sores. I have rabies, so I will be frothing at the mouth a bit - try not to get any on you. I also have Ebola, so I will be bleeding from my nipples - guess you better do it from behind, huh? But other than the lice and the scabies, that's all…(brightly) that's not a problem is it?"
Caller: Are you discreet?

Once (but only once) I actually did reply to someone "Well, there is this BIG pink neon sign over my door that says DOMINATRIX in flashing letters, with a big arrow pointing right to my door, and another sign that says Slaves Enter Here...because I really want everyone for miles to know exactly what I am doing in there." I understand your concern, guys, but believe me, we are just as interested in discretion as you. This is one of those essentially reasonable questions that just starts to wear on you after the first hundred thousand times.

So, gentlemen, this may sound as if I am dumping on you…but that's really not the case. I myself am very fortunate in my clients, and by and large I think you are good boys. But ya'll do need some education now and then, and who is going to give it to you if I don't? Its information you can use, from the Working Girl...