Celibacy Stephen

I have been celibate for the past 5 years, two years of which I spent living in a Buddhist monastery. As a monk I hardly even looked at the opposite sex, nor did I engage in masturbation.

I can see many advantages to celibacy - much less to worry about in terms of problematic relationships (let's face it, there's an element of manipulation involved in every sexual relationship), diseases, expense, unwanted pregnancy, trying to be cool, etc. It also has opened up new dimensions for me in my communications with women (except for the period spent as a monk).

There is a distinct energy that comes about when one has made the conscious choice to practice celibacy and is serious about it: a clarity. This clarity is quickly shot to hell as soon as the intent to act on sexual interest kicks up, no matter how one tries to mask it. To really be celibate, you have to want to be celibate: even if the desire is still burning, there is another part of you that comes through and touches people. This can actually be a form of gift. Of course, this can also be quite dangerous as it often makes you that much more attractive to the opposite sex.

I originally (deliberately) chose celibacy after having spent one year living with a woman and coming to realize where an unrealistic sex drive could take me; that is, I realized that both the unchecked desire for companionship and for sexual gratification could exact a very high price in terms of emotional well-being, etc. I still like to believe that a relationship with a more compatible mate might not have left me feeling this way, but at the same time I am much more realistic about sex and intimate relations and choose not to see them as the end-all-be-all for my existence on this planet!

The time spent as a monk was very helpful as I learned how to exercise a degree of control over my sex drive and not be "driven" by it. This seemed to free up a lot of mental space, but even so, there were times when the longing for human contact was great indeed. Sexuality is not something that can be suppressed, but IS something that can be transformed/transmuted.

I am still at odds with my sexual choices. I wonder if I were to meet someone with whom I felt absolutely compatible as friends and the sexual interest kicked in, if I would choose to act on it. I guess I can no longer consider myself a die-hard celibate as I am now entertaining the idea of relationship. It remains a 'what-if' type scenario, though. Perhaps there is a time for both lifestyle choices.

At this point I'm looking for balance. I am familiar with the spiritual traditions that hold that spiritual energy is gained via harnessing sexual energy, the depletion of which via ejaculation is not only viewed as being spiritually counterproductive, but even considered to be dangerous to one's health if done more than infrequently. I am also aware that suppressing sexual desires is not necessarily the healthiest path to take. I wonder about intimacy needs, etc. Trying to locate the crossroads of these concerns is no easy task, and I would like to ask anyone with similar experience/concerns to please post 'em to this page - sharing is so helpful to all of us celibates in this lopsided world.